It's never what it looks like
by Effin4
Summary: This is an Alan&Herb fic. Will the finally get together as a real couple?
1. Chapter 1

_This is an Alan and Herb fic. I was watching Two and a Half Men the other day, and it suddenly came to me: It's Alan and Herb. That's the perfect couple. Go easy on me, and enjoy _

"Jake! Your father's here!" Judith yelled the second she opened the door and saw Alan standing there. Jake came out with a huge bag over his shoulders. "Can I drive?" "Sure."  
They got in the car and Jake started the engine. "Hey, two and ten!" "What?" Jake stared at his father with irritation. "Hands on the wheel, two and ten!" "Okay, okay!" Jake said. He rolled his eyes over his annoying dad.  
"Shit! I forgot my computer! Can we go back?" Jack was about to do a U-turn in the road. "No, no, no, no!" Alan threw himself after the wheel, and turned it back in last minute. "But I need my computer!" "So, call your mother and ask her to bring it!" Alan yelled. Jake stuck his hand in his pocket. "Not now! Wait until we're home!" Jake slipped his cell down in the pocket and put his hand on the wheel. This was going to be a long ride home, even though the distance was short.

*Ding dong*  
"Berta, the door!" Charlie yelled. "Alan, the door!" Berta yelled. "It's mum! I'm in the bathroom, just take my cell!" Jake yelled from the bathroom. Alan went to open the door.  
"Hey Alan!" "Oh, hi Herb!" Alan said in surprise. "I thought it was Judith… What's with your eye?" Herbs right eye was purple. "No, Judith wouldn't, so we had a fight." Herb paused. "Which explain my purple eye." "Oh." Alan felt pity for Herb. "Want to go out and grab a beer?" "I was hoping for you to ask!" Herb said with a smile. "Let's go!" Alan grabbed his jacket and his wallet.  
"You know, I've never had a friend I could go and grab a beer with," Herb said after two beers. "I know what you mean, pal!" Alan nodded.  
"I can't understand why Judith let you go." They have had three more beers. "You're such a great guy!" "I never understood that either. Thank you! So are you!" Alan said grateful. He liked Herb, he was nice and easy to talk to. "How is your eye?" "It hurts, but it gets better every beer!" After one more beer, Alan came up with a great idea. "Why don't you join me to my office, and I'll give you something for your eye, and maybe a massage?" "Great idea! Let's take a cab!" Herb held out some money, while Alan was looking through his wallet. He was about to put some money on the table. "Hey, I got this one!" Herb said and threw a bunch of cash on the table. "Okay!" Alan said, relieved. His wallet did not have that much money.

They didn't say much in the cab, and the only sentence was: "Stop here, we're there." "Hey, that's a rime!" Herb said and clapped his hands. They went out of the car, reeling toward the door to Alan's office. Alan found his key and opened the door. Alan held it open so Herb could walk in first. "Oh, you are a real gentleman," Herb said, pointing his finger at Alan. He blushed. "Thank you. Now, the medicine cabinet is over here, and look! Here's the medicine to reduce swelling. It's cooling at the same time!" "Oh, good!" "Okay, now, close your eye and I'll smear this on your eye." Herb closed his eyes, and Alan took some of the cream on his finger, and gently smeared it on his swelling. "I liked it. It was tickling, but still nice. Can you smear something all over my face?" Herb said, still with closed eyes. "Sure," Alan said. The stood like this for a while, Alan smearing cream gently on Herbs face. Suddenly, Alan got an impulse, and stuck his face very close to Herbs. That was a little bit hard, because Herb was higher than him, but he managed it when he stood tiptoe. "Open your eyes," he whispered slowly. Herb opened his eyes, and saw Alans face. Alans real meaning was to scare Herb, but Herb didn't jump. They looked into each other's eyes, and suddenly, Alan felt Herbs lips against his. It felt good, but in a weird way. Alan opened his mouth, and held around Herb closely. Herb let his arms around Alan, moving down to his but…

_So, what do you think? Review me and tell me! _


	2. What the?

_I'm back. Enjoy!_

_**They looked into each other's eyes, and suddenly, Alan felt Herbs lips against his. It felt good, but in a weird way. Alan opened his mouth, and held around Herb closely. Herb let his arms around Alan, moving down to his but…**_

Alan felt Herbs hands on his but, and he responded by letting his hands walk in under Herbs shirt. The kiss got deeper and deeper, and Alan felt how much he enjoyed it. He ripped Herbs t-shirt off, and they found the way in to Alan's sofa.

The morning after they woke up next to each other. Alan looked around and found himself in his office. Next to him laid Herb. "HERB!" Alan yelled and jumped out of the couch. When he looked down, he found out he didn't had any clothes on. "Alan? Why are you here?" Herb woke up, and stretched. "I'm not home," he said after a while. "No, we are in my office!" Alan cried in panic. "What the hell did we do?" "We went out for a drink, and…" Herb stopped when he couldn't find his underwear. "And we're not wearing any clothes," he finished. Suddenly it all came back to them, what they did and their feelings.

"So I guess we…" said Alan unsure. He let the last of the sentence hang in the air. "Yeah." A long pause. "Do you, ehm," Alan started. "Do I what?" "Do you regret?" Alan finally got out. "Yes. One time. Never again. Never speak of it again." "Me neither." They started to get dressed, in silence. Both of them was thinking what none of them said. They were about to leave when Herb finally said: "Eh, I don't regret." "Me neither," said Alan and they went all over each other, kissing, touching. "I think I love you," Alan whispered into Herbs chest. "I love you too," Herb said back. Herb started kissing his chest and Alan felt the pleasure.

"What shall we do now?" Herb asked when they got their clothes on, again. "I don't know. But it's a bit funny, you know," Alan laughed. "I'm having sex with my ex-wife's new man." Herb thought about that for a while, and started laughing. A cell phone rang. "That's mine." Herb picked it up. "Oh my god. It's Judith!" "Take it, take it!"

"Oh, hey, Judith!"

_Short one_


	3. Sneaking

I'm so, so sorry that it took me this long to write a new chapter. I've just had a lot on my mind lately, considering it's my last year in school, etc. Thank you guys so much for the reviews, I would be nothing without them. Here comes the third chapter, hope you like it and let's go!

**Alan laughed. "I'm having sex with my ex-wife's new man." Herb thought about that for a while, and started laughing. A cell phone rang. "That's mine." Herb picked it up. "Oh my god. It's Judith!" "Take it, take it!" **

"**Oh, hey, Judith!" **

"HERB! Where the hell are you?" Judith screamed so loud that Herb had to hold the phone away from his ear. "Where am I," he whispered to Alan. "I don't know! Say you are in a flower-store." "I'm in a flower-store," Herbs said to Judith. "Are you out of your mind? It's SUNDAY!" "Help me, Alan! I can't lie to Judith!" "So, you want to tell her we had sex? Fine, but let me get out of here first, and by me a ticket to Spain," Alan said a little bit angry. "But, please, a first class ticket, because you know, it's so small chairs in the business class. Not that I need so much space, but it's nice." "Yes, I know! And I've heard the peanuts is much better at first class, and you get this pillows and-" "HERB! Who the hell are you talking to? Get home NOW, I want to talk with you. No, wait, if you have had sex with another woman don't bother to come home. I'll set your clothes on fire." She hung up. Herb looked first helpless at Alan and said; "What shall I do?" Suddenly they began to laugh. The whole situation was so funny, they couldn't help it. "Oh, I know what you shall do!" Alan whispered into Herbs ear, taking his shirt off for the third time that very day. "You are a bad, bad man, Alan Harper," Herb said kissing Alans lips softly.

Later that day Alan and Herb arrived at Charlies. "We have to sneak you in, I don't want Charlie to see you," Alan said. "Okay, but how do we do that?" Herb asked. "I'll go inside, talk with Charlie, make sure he's busy and then you sneak in and go right to my room." They started sneaking up to the front door, and Alan opened the door. "Charlie, I'm home!"he yelled, more to check where Charlie was, than because he actually thought he'd care. "So?" was the expected answer from Charlie, and the sound came from the kitchen. "Sneak in, sneak in!" Alan whispered loud to Herb and as Herb sneak in, Alan went in the kitchen to hold off Charlie. "Hey, you! How's it going today?" Alan asked in a high voice. Charlie stared at him for a moment, before he asked: "Okey, what's going on?" "What do you mean by what's going on? Is something going on? Is something going on with you? 'Cause if it is, please tell me! I'm all alone and bored, so please tell me!" As Alan said this, his voice went higher and higher till it was a squeak. Charlie stared at him again, and said more to himself than to Alan. "Yes, something is defenitly going on. But I don't care." He got up from his chair, took with him a beer and was on his way out to the livingroom when Alan hopped in front of him. "Where are you going? Don't you wanna talk a little?" Alan said, making it impossible for Charlie to get pass. "No. But I'll give you a pretty good wound to talk about if you don't get out of my way right now!" Alan looked over his shoulder, saw that the coast was clear and jumped out of the way and ran to his bedroom. Charlie looked after him, shaking his head and considered caring. "Nope, I don't give a rats ass."

In Alans bedroom it was way more activity than what in the livingroom where Charlie was sitting with whiskey in his sofa. At the same moment Alan was taking Herbs pants off with his teeth (or at least he was trying), Charlie decided he'd go out and meet a pretty girl he could bang this day. Or at least a girl. "Alan, I'm going out!" Charlie yelled, but got no answer. "Oh, fuck, now I have to go check he's alive," he said to himself as he walked the way to Alans bedroom. "Or, I could pretend I didn't understand and go straight out." After three seconds thinking what he should do, he went to Alans room and opened the door. Then he closed it again, thinking that he should have just gone straight out. Then he opened it again and screamed:" WHAT THE HELL?"

Sorry for all the wrong words or spelling mistakes, I'm sure there are a few. I know this chapter is kind of short, but at least it's a chapter and longer than the last one. Please review, the reviews are the reasons I keep writing. I promise to update soon!


	4. Trails of clothes

_Hey, I just have to say I'm so, so sorry for not updating! I imagine those of you who read this has forgotten all about it already. I mean, it's actually just some weeks from being a whole year since I updated last, and to be totally honest, I've forgotten a little bit of how the story should go. So, I'll try this chapter, and then you can tell me whether I should keep going or consider it a lost case. Here it goes:_

"Charlie!" Alan jumped up from the bed with Herb, and tried to cover himself with his blanket. "What the hell are you two doing?" Charlie looked with disgust, all though, if Alan had looked real close, he'd seen a bit of a relief. "I KNEW YOU WERE GAY!" yelled Charlie out, cutting off Alan's halfhearted lie about Herb just checking for some stomach-aches he'd had. Alan stopped and said utterly offended: "I'm not gay!" Charlie raised his eyebrow, and peeked over to Herb, who just sat awkwardly in the bed with his hands around his male parts. Charlie shrugged, turned on his heels and went out of Alan´s bedroom, with a promise to himself to never go in there again. Alan stormed after, yelling, "it's not what you think! I'm not gay!" Charlie turned and looked at Alan who barely covered himself, and the blanket hanging behind him like a ugly veil. "For some reason, I want an explanation, but go and take care of that," he pointed to the bulk under Alan´s belly, "first. I don't want to talk to you while you're all horny on men and stuff." "Well, there's no arguing that," Alan said, and hushed back to the bedroom.

Charlie sat down in the worn-out sofa, and thought to himself that this explained so much. Maybe he could even like Alan now, when he no longer was a failure, but just gay. It was no longer Alan´s fault that he didn't do well with women, and had been so insecure. People liked gays, so maybe they all would start accepting Alan, and he could move out. When he was done, thinking those five minutes of someone else than himself, he started thinking how funny this was. Alan was shagging his ex-wife's new husband. Oh, how he looked forward to bitch about it when Judith found out. Maybe he could be there when he told her. Yes, he should definitely be there.

After some more time, Alan came out, dressed, blushing and with the face of a man who just had an orgasm. "Before you say anything," Alan started, his hands out to calm the already pretty calm Charlie down, "I am not gay!" "Then how do you explain Herb sucking you in the bedroom?" Charlie asked, not so interested after all. Alan started, but Charlie cut him off. "When are you going to tell Judith?" Alan rolled his eyes. This was so typically Charlie. Only thing he was after was amusing himself. "We're not telling Judith! This is a secret. We will never tell Judith. You have to promise me, Charlie, never TELL JUDITH." Herb came in to the living room at that moment, and said with a terrified look on his face; "No, no, no, no, no, no. You can't tell Judith. She will kill me, with her bare hands." Charlie felt the joy disappear, only to come back stronger when he said, "Okay, calm down, I won't tell Judith."

Charlie went out to the bar a little after that, to try and fine something he could bone this evening. Alan and Herb stayed in, snuggling and doing other stuff with each other. "I enjoy this. I mean, I really enjoy this," Alan said, while his feet was being massaged by Herb. "It's so easy. And the sex, I must say, is amazing!" Herb nodded with a little smile on his face. He didn't care that Judith was home alone, that she couldn't reach him and that she'd probably burned his clothes. He was so tired of her and all her bitchy-ness. The night crept upon them, and even though Alan and Herb was tired, they went to bed to do some gymnastics of the more intimate and controversial kind. Just a few minutes after that, Charlie came home, very breezy, and sat down in the sofa. He saw trails of clothes from the living room and till Alan´s bedroom, so it didn't take him long to figure where they were and what they were doing. Just as he sat down in the sofa to sulk over not having anyone else but his hand for company that night, the doorbell rang. He considered answering, but decided he was too tired and too lazy and to drunk to do it. The doorbell rang once more, and when he didn't move, it rang for the third time. Charlie pulled himself of the sofa, with a promise to kill whoever who was behind that door. He opened, and immediately wished he hadn't been so drunk, because this was going to be funny. Outside stood a furious Judith with red eyes, and her clothes were wet from the rain. She took a few steps until she was just a few cm from Charlie´s face, and said: "What have you done with Herb? Where is he! I know you know where he is; it was with you he was last time! And then he came home drunk! And he had been with strippers! So WHERE IS HE?" Charlie raved a couple of steps back, just to get the not so pretty face in focus. "I don't know," Charlie said, his voice thick and Judith realized he had been drinking. Not that she was surprised though, but she understood he might not be the best help. "Okay, you're hopeless. Where is Alan? I want to speak with him." Charlie began to laugh, but put himself together and said that he probably was in bed. "I don't care, I just got home," he added. Judith took a look around the room. First noticed she the trails of clothes that were spread everywhere, and said out loud: "So he's with a woman. Go get him." Charlie laughed again and sat down. "Alan, with a woman? Seriously, who would,-" then stopped, and looked at Judith. "Well, I guess you would," he said, mocking her. But Judith didn't answer, so Charlie turned his head to see what she was looking at. She was looking closely at the trails of clothes. "Is that Herbs sweater?" "No," answered Charlie, but too late. She was already heading for Alan's bedroom.

_Okay, that's that folks. I feel like this is a shot in the dark, so you guys have to tell me whether I should keep going. If I've lost the thread, it's no use; I imagine it'll just get worse then. So, help me out here and tell me what you think :) _

_Yeah, and guys, thanks for the reviews I've gotten so far! Again, I'm so sorry I haven't updated. _


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